Mountain of Fire & Miracles Ministries, founded by the very loved and revered man of God, Dr. Daniel Kolawole Olukoya, is a church reputed for its firebrand prayers and intensive deliverance sessions. Unknown to many, particularly those outside of the church, who think the only thing the church does is to sentence principalities and powers to death via their “Die! Die! Die!” prayers, MFM is also very concerned about the well being of the marriages of its members and seeks to help strengthen the union of the married couples in the ministry through its special monthly program HAPPY HOME. During the program, questions bothering and affecting married couples are treated. The General Overseer, Dr. Olukoya, also gives a special sermon on marriage and its related issues, using the scriptures as a guide. Not long ago, during one of the HAPPY HOME editions, the man of God gave the following tips to couples in the church as ways to help them deal with crises in their marriage.
FORGET THE BLAME GAME
When things go wrong in your marriage, passing buck and blaming each other repeatedly is not the way to go. It will not bring solution to the issue, neither will it make the problem go away. Expending energy on blaming each other will do nothing but extend the life span of the problem. Forget the blame game and seek for solution.
DON’T CRITICIZE EACH OTHER
Many couples forget their Christian values when there’s a crisis in their marriage. In the heat of anger, they completely lose their senses. They start saying things like, ‘you’re too demanding! You’re too thin! See how the breeze is carrying you about. You’re too fat, look at how sluggish you are. You’re a bad cook. You’re lazy.’ Utterances such as these should not come out of a Christian couple. It will not make things right in any way.
DON’T GET DEFENSIVE
When things go wrong in your marriage, don’t get defensive. Be ready and willing to work out issues and reach a compromise with your spouse. The most foolish thing to do is start saying things like, ‘well, that’s me, that’s my philosophy! That’s how my father behaves, so I’m going to behave like a true son of my father.’ Getting defensive this way will only compound matters. Don’t get defensive.
DON’T AVOID THE ISSUE
A lot of people are guilty of this. Rather than face the issue and tackle it head on, they try to avoid it. ‘I don’t want to talk about it, don’t disturb me! Don’t waste your time!’ These are the sort of things you hear people who are trying to avoid the main issue say. But this is not the right way to deal with the situation. You cannot possibly find the solution to a problem if you’re avoiding dealing with the problem.
DON’T EXAGGERATE THE ISSUE
When things go wrong in marriages, people are fond of exaggerating the issues. They blow things out of proportion thereby making it even more difficult to quickly arrive at a solution. It’s in such instances you will hear things such as: ‘You will kill me one of these days o! You’re a devil, there’s no devil like you, this man! I regret marrying you. If you die, I will not miss you o!’ None of these will make the situation any better, you are merely exaggerating the issue.
A lot of people are also guilty of this. They are quick to generalize issues. Rather than focus on the main issue before them and treat it as a problem on its own, they won’t do that. Instead, they will start lumping everything together. Utterances like, ’anyway, women, are the same! Men too are all the same thing! You’re a witch like your mother. You never do anything right,’ are utterances that will not do the problem in your marriage any good.
DON’T SEE IT AS A WAR
It is strange to note that some couples don’t have any regard for their marriage or home. The minute any small issue comes up some people will see it as an opportunity for war. They’ll say, ‘I’m ready for anything! If you bring it hot, I will give it back to you hot! I’m ready for you, I will show you who I am!’ That’s war. Marriage is not a battle field or a boxing ring, do not turn your own marriage into a war zone.
DON’T THREATEN YOUR PARTNER
This is another regular scene in a marriage that’s in crisis. You will see threats from both the husband and wife flying left, right and centre. ‘I will send you packing! I will divorce you and go with my children. I will marry another wife!’ All these are threats that that should not be heard in a Christian home. Do not threaten your partner, it is not right.
DON’T CONCLUDE OR FINALIZE THE MATTER
This is also another terrible practice that couples should avoid doing. Concluding or finalizing on a matter between you and your partner without an amicable resolution will not work. When you say things like, ‘I can never forgive you! I am tired of you! This marriage is over. Marrying a harlot is better!’ You are only making matters worse. Don’t finalize issues like that.
DON’T REFER TO OLD ISSUES
When things go wrong in your home, refrain from digging up dead bones. Don’t bring back old and already resolved issues between you and your spouse. This will only aggravate matters. Making statements like, ‘this is what you did ten years ago! This is how you behaved twenty years ago,’ will not take you forward. Stop referring to old issues.
DON’T USE ABUSIVE WORDS
This is totally unacceptable from Christian couples. Abusive words in a Christian home is shameful. ‘I thought I married an intelligent man, I didn’t know you are this stupid! You call yourself madam, even the house girl dresses better than you! I don’t blame, your mother has always been a foolish woman. That’s how your father killed your mother, so you can’t kill me!’ Abusive words such as these cannot help your situation. Read your Bible, pray and talk to God and He will offer you solutions to your problems.
DON’T EXPAND IT
Another thing a lot of couples are guilty of. Rather than seek to solve a problem, they expand it instead. Like, when you hear people say, ‘well, at this level, I don’t even know whether these children are mine or somebody else’s own! I don’t even know what is wrong with you, since the first day of this marriage there’s been problems.’ Don’t expand the problem, try to deal with it.
DON’T STANDARDIZE IT
When things go wrong, don’t standardize issues. ‘That’s it, you always get it wrong. You always make me angry!’ It won’t work if you continue to approach matters that way.
DON’T DISTORT IT
Again, a lot of people are guilty of this. They distort issues and try to make the situation look worse than it really is. That’s when you hear things like, ‘you have never cooked any good food in this house! You’re always cooking poison. You have a wicked hand!’ Statements like that can destroy any home without prior notice.