Why do you lay so much emphasis on s*x and sexuality? From my opinion, I think sex is a basic thing; why give so much attention to it?’ This was a question I was asked while I was in South Africa giving a talk on sex and sexual health matters.
The first big misconception many people have is thinking that sex is basic and natural and should not be learned. It is as a result of this discourse that sex education has long been obstructed as if it is not necessary to understand the mechanisms at which it works. Then again, this has caused a lot of damages to many homes.
In reality, s*x is cultural; it is the fruit of a learning process and it is something we all have to learn. Until we start learning, we might not be able to unravel the mechanism behind the female’s sexuality or the way the erection functions.
As such, today, we want to see seven ways couples can enjoy instant raging passion by being able to differentiate various types of libidos. I would advise you read this together with your spouse so that both of you can find out which area you fall into.
So, let us look into the arousal types of libidos.
Number one is the sensual libido spouse.
This is a spouse who wants sex to be emotional, connecting and superficially physical. The spouse cherishes love to play more than the actual sexual acts. This category of spouses is more of introvert lovers than extroverts. But the erotic libido spouses are spouses who want sex to be intense and passionate, at least some of the times. They want to explore all the wondrous varieties of sexual activities that are available. Though they can cope with periods of ordinary s*x, there are regular opportunities for adventurous and sizzling sex. If you have a strong erotic libido, you get little or no pleasure from low key s*x and this might cause problems in the relationship because your partner might start feeling the pressure to perform at great heights all the time, which is never good.
The second category is the dependent libido spouses and they are spouses who need s*x to cope with problems.
Sex soothes them and makes them feel better. They are more sexually active when they have to deal with bad feelings such as stress, boredom or anxiety, pressure, loss of loved one when they are sick or troubled. When such spouse does not have an understanding partner, the relationship is always under undue pressure because in such cases, if your partner doesn’t want to do it when you want because you are in an emotional state, you might tend to interpret it as lack of love and care. It would look like she or he is refusing to give you the medicine you need to… feel better. The reactive libido spouses are spouses who care more about the sexual needs of their partner. They sometimes even end up ignoring their own desires if they feel they are not what their partner usually enjoys. These spouses put a lot of effort into foreplay and can only orgasm once they are sure their wives have.
The third category is the entitled libido.
Spouses and these are spouses who assume that it’s their God’s given right to get whatever they want in their sexual relationship, regardless of the feeling of the other partner. Their mindset is, ‘If I want hot steamy s*x, I should be given the opportunity to have hot steamy sex and if on the contrary, I want cuddling, my partner should provide me with just that.’ This category of spouses is very influenced by the ideas of sex in movies and books and they think they are entitled to have the same great sex as they watch on the screen.
The fourth category is the addictive libido category.
Even though this is a destructive type of libido, spouses with this type believe that until they have sex outside their matrimonial bed, they are not having the best of s*x. Their problem is that they can’t seem to resist the urge of having sex outside their relationship. It’s not as if they don’t love and cherish their partners, it is just that they are constantly craving for more elusive s*x. These spouses are filled with the mirage that marital sex is boring compared to the dangerous allure of doing it with a complete stranger or animal. Like any addiction, you are the one that controls the behaviors and not vice versa. So, instead of destroying your relationship, family, marriage, and life, make up your mind to live clean, have a positive mindset towards the best things in life.
The fifth category is made up of the stressed libido spouses.
Such spouses are always on their toes, constantly worrying about their performance and about whether what they are doing is pleasurable or not. They tend to avoid having sex for fear of failure, even though they might still be very aroused. In fact, they kill their s*x life before its actual death. These are the people who worry about no or low libido, erectile dysfunction and so on. But if you can take this unnecessary worry off, you can enjoy the sexual pleasure wholeheartedly.
The disinterested libido spouses are in the sixth category.
These are spouses with naturally low libido. They practically have no physical or emotional problem with having sex; they just seem not to be in the mood. If you’re one of those, you might develop feelings of guilt and defence because you’re not able to satisfy your partner. However, you must accept that you have not chosen to be a disinterested libido type. But for the sake of your spouse, you must learn the act of building your libido just as when people go to the gym to build up their body muscles.
The detached libido spouses are spouses who usually feel sexual desire but are too preoccupied with other life issues to seek marital sex. Being overwhelmed by financial or work pressure, you might think that s*x is the last thing on your list right now, but be aware that this attitude does more wrong than good to the relationship. The compulsive libido spouses are spouses who have one main sexual body object or image object that triggers their sexual arousal. That is, a particular feature or shape or image in their spouse’s body is the only thing that will arouse them. For such people, just mere looking at the nipple of their spouse or the smell of their spouse’s underwears or the shape of their spouse’s vulva or penis or their spouse’s moaning or the colour of their spouse’s underwear could trigger their arousal.
The final category is people with no libido at all.
This category may also have spouses who previously had good or enough libido for satisfying sexual relationship but along the way, some illness or ailment that were either not well treated medically, eventually had an effect on their libido. Such ailments include mumps, which is in most cases, a childhood infection. This infection is usually a virus infection which most of the time, has no medical cure, and as such, treatment is being given according to the symptoms it presented per time. When a male child is not well protected against these mumps infection, the resultant effect is usually that the virus would spread all over the body and would damage the testicle, scrotum of the male child. Unfortunately, the damaging effect is impotency. Sometimes, erectile dysfunction does not usually present itself until when the man is an adult or a young adult. And one of the ways the man feels the effect is when he doesn’t have a feel of libido at all.
About the Author:
Funmi Akingbade is a relationship and sex therapist as well as a columnist for Punch newspaper.
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