Let’s face it, conflict is inevitable. We’ve all had our fair share of arguments or fights, be it with a colleague, family member or friend. However, you’ll notice that one person in your life that can easily diffuse a conflict just as it had started not because they are magicians but because they understand what its to be a peacemaker
Oh you wondering, what’s their secret? Or you thinking if they are prophets to know what the other party is thinking and with a snap of their fingers, they’ve deescalated the situation.
Unfortunately, not everyone automatically becomes an expert in handling conflicts but with stable self orientation and maturity you are 100% closer to bringing positive vibes. Furthermore, the people we encounter are all diverse as we all can’t the same. What could be offensive to a person may not be to another.
To truly get to the bottom of the issue and resolve the conflict, you need to read between the lines, observe their actions, behaviours (body language) and listen more than you talk if the issue doesn’t involve you directly. In short, you need to understand what the problem is to be able to take charge of the situation but sometimes, the time you are using to find out what the problem is depends on the gravity of the situation before they land you slap. Lol
However, this is easier said than done because some people that are supposed to kill mosquitoes can end up opening your doors for mosquitoes to get comfortable and in turn deal with you. Hahahaha
More than often, people let their emotions get the better of them, making the conflict bigger than it should’ve been because of lack of knowledge or tolerance
Here’s a simple guide on how to read/understand people during conflict and how to resolve it.
Identifying different types of anger that lead to conflict is very paramount in solving conflicts.
Firstly, it’s important to take note of the type of angry individuals involved during any conflict. Once you identify where he or she falls in the category below, it’s easier to read their thoughts through their behaviours and want. And only then can you work on how to approach them and come to a solution.
(1) BEHAVIOURAL ANGER
This type of anger is unpredictable, expressed physically and directly. It can be so overwhelming, he or she may lash out angrily at the target. This person may resort to breaking or throwing things around in a fit of rage. My brother my sister if you are in this movie, kindly shift back first before you hear gbangan on your head for being too forward
How to deal with them: Let go of your ego and pride no matter how angry you are in this movie. Although it’s tempting, don’t fight fire with fire rather, be the water to quench the fire.
It’s extremely important not to push their buttons too far with harsh words. Instead, find a way to calm them down. This is because they’re at an extremely vulnerable state, sensitive to everything that’s being said to them than yourself. One wrong word will only make them defensive and lash out, making the situation worse.
Do not fight with them about who is to blame, who is right or who is wrong but rather, propose on solving the problem.
Let them cool down and start reasoning on how the whole conflicts generated.
If your attempt to talk calmly and rationally fails, let them be. There’s no point trying to talk sense into them as all logic for reasoning fly out of their brain once they are mad with anger. In this category, kindly apply the law of abija which says if you feel your opponent is almost taking you into captivity, go back and re-strategies i.e do IGBADABO ABIJA meaning *coming back of the warrior* ( i am not sure if that’s the correct meaning though but get a Yoruba person to translate for you)
(2) VERBAL ANGER
This type of anger is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that deeply hurts the target via words. The person expresses their anger through shouting, insulting, threatening, sarcasm and criticising.
These people lash out their anger with the intention to hurt the other individual with harsh and strong words and it’s important to note that, such souls feel ashamed and regretful after they might calmed down.
HOW TO DEAL
Don’t take it to heart but take a cold water
Verbally aggressive people speak to hurt and rather than taking their words to heart, understand that words cannot hurt you if you choose not to pay attention. You have a choice to respond or not to so the situation can be resolved. You can either get hurt over what they’ve said or brush it off as no word should bring out the worse in you. Na your choice to ignore
Not only that, avoid saying things out of anger just because the other person did. Do not stoop to their level. What these people often say are mostly driven by their emotions than facts, hinting at their fears, frustrations and bruised ego.
Remember, once this person has calmed down, they’ll most likely regret what they’ve said to you. If you do take their words to heart, it doesn’t help them – or you – feel better but makes them look like a fool for not uttering a word. Moreso, if you are to respond, it’ll just cause more tension which you aren’t game for.
Respond with humour.
If you cannot resist snaking up a comment or two back to the person, try joking with them. Although no one likes to be made fun of while angry so be wise on this. Genuine and funny jokes will help loosen the tension in the air between you and this person but don’t over joke please plus the joke can even be one at your own expense. Hahahaha
Set limits when they’ve crossed the line.
Sometimes, these people who lash out at you tend to say things that cross the line. These people who are verbally aggressive may not necessarily be angry with you but they may be angry at others and are unconsciously venting it out on you. Its a case of transfer of aggression and they are looking for who to lash so, they can feel telling. Once you have this understanding of the situation that what they are accusing you of is different from what’s on ground then, just sit back and request for a cup of tea
If you feel like they’ve gone too far, tell them in a non-accusing but firm manner that they have crossed the line and you won’t take any of it or better still walk away or disappear so you don’t end up escalating the whole conflicts
Another option is to say in a calm tone that although you understand why they’re mad, they should not take it out on you or you simply ask can we talk about this and settle this amicably?
If neither of the options worked, it’s totally okay to stop the conversation and let the person cool down. Always remember to stay in control of the conversation.
(3) ASSERTIVE ANGER
This is the most constructive and healthy way to manage anger. These individuals make use of their feelings of anger and channel it to drive positive change. They openly communicate the problems they have with others in a calm and logical manner while still being firm and objective over the situation. Then, they discuss ways to resolve the problems with the other party.
In summary, they don’t avoid confrontation, keep their anger in or resort to physical and/or verbal insults to get their message across. They drive for positive change in the world and in others – without causing tension or destruction.
How to deal with them:
Express your understanding and concern as people with assertive anger do not come with the intention to hurt you but to resolve an issue rationally. However, this does not mean they will sugar coat their words either as they say it as it is.
Listen sincerely to how they feel about the situation and empathise with them accordingly.
If a person is telling you they don’t like how people don’t adhere to the deadlines of a project at work, show that you understand by saying you know the consequences of being late with submissions and, you’ll will talk to the parties involved
Give them what they want as they are professionals in what they do
Find out what they want from you if it’s a case of third party. These people are seeking change and usually it’s for the betterment of work. Hence, find out what you can do to help them or fulfill their needs after they’ve addressed the issue.
Once they have brought up the issue, discuss with them what you can do about it to improve and deliver
(4) PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS
A person who is passive aggressive avoids confrontations and represses any feelings of anger with the other party. As a result, these people express their negative feelings subtly through their actions instead of handling them directly. This creates a blurring line between what they say and what they actually mean.
Let’s say you propose a vacation plan in Badagry. A person with passive-aggressive behaviour may disagree with the plan secretly but instead of saying so by rejecting your idea outright, they agree with you stylishly. And for not liking the idea, their actions show through. This can cause lack of participation in the discussion, purposely making errors or backing out of the vacation at the last minute.
In short, they find ways to undermine the plan.
How to deal with them:
Be assertive when talking and make them see reason why Badagry is a better place for vacation
Just as mentioned, the passive-aggressive person avoids their negative feelings, not addressing them head on. Therefore, it is up to you to confront them about it and seek more understanding
Address the issue and animosity surrounding the both of you. Tell him or her how you feel about how rational their decisions can be, and how hurting you get by not arriving conclusively at any decision. Then try to find out if they’re mad at you and then get them to talk about it
Don’t entertain them i.e. don’t form familiarity when you are a sinner as that might trigger such souls to react
Sometimes, the passive-aggressive individual may say something but their intention may mean another.
Here’s an example:
You took a little more time to return a book you’ve borrowed from them and when you finally got the chance to return it, they say, “Wow, took you a month to return the book but it’s okay, thanks!”
Instead of falling for the bait and asking what they really meant, please walk away
Hence, you can say, “you’re welcome!” as that reply is a perfect way to disarm them.
Renowned psychologist Robert Cialdini also shares a similar concept of Reciprocity in his book: ‘Influence’ that can be used in this circumstance. By giving something, expecting nothing in return to the person, you’re leaving room for the person to return the favour.
Summing it up
If you’re able to identify the type of angry individuals then, you’ll be able to understand how to appropriately deal with them and resolve the conflict just as fast as it started.
1.Identify the type of angry people
2.Understand their behaviour, patterns and thought process
3.Approach and react accordingly
On this note, I say don’t miss out from the next episode as it promises to be exceptional as usual
Also, do not forget to pray for me and family as my father, CHIEF HUNGBO KABO AKA MIJOHOTHO passed on last week