Award winning UK based Nigerian blogger, writer, author and marriage counsellor, Mercy Balogun has written many books that have centered on relationships and marriage. She has always given insights as to how relationships and marriages can thrive irrespective of the parties involved. In her latest book titled ‘’Fall in Love with Vision and Not His Wallet’’ She uses her story as a background, where she lays out basic principles of finding the right partner and maintaining a lasting relationship in marriage. She also points out the basic ‘’Red Light’’ which we all must avoid or seek help from if we find them operating in our lives.
Below are excerpts from the book.
Every man has a long-term plan so whenever you meet a guy, to know how serious he is about life, ask for his long-term plan. Don’t be fooled by his sweet words and elegant appearance. Looks can be deceiving. Don’t keep looking for someone you love. Look out for someone who genuinely loves you.
Men find it difficult to love that is why they can date a lot of women at the same time. That is not the case with women; women easily fall in love. If a woman finds a man who looks after her and cares deeply for her she will fall for him. Men are not the same. If they were, wouldn’t he marry or love the woman who was so nice to him and had a child with him? So men do not fall in love easily. However, when they do, they do so deeply.
The woman that catches a man’s eye catches his purse, but the woman that catches his heart catches his world. Your wisdom will keep a man, not your beauty. Remember beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Have you ever seen a couple where the wife is not that ‘pretty’ but the husband worships her? It’s because of her inner beauty which radiates outside. Please, I am not saying don’t look after yourself, I am saying there must be a balance, be beautiful inside and out.
Most men these days have a problem committing because most women place so many expectations on men and sometimes belittle them and talk down on them. Social networks are taking the place of communication these days. You will be with your man and you are online with the whole world on your social network. I consider it very rude and inconsiderate of his feelings. It is vice versa.
Many relationships have been destroyed because of Social networks.
Don’t waste your time and life with a man that just wants to keep you as a friend. If you are not good enough to be his girlfriend maybe you are not meant to be together.
Many men are taking advantage of young women these days with this idea of friendship. If he calls you his friend that means he can have many friends and you cannot accuse him of doing anything wrong; after all you are all his ‘friends’.
Whoever you choose to spend your life with has a lot to do with your purpose on earth. If you have a vision and you are married to someone who doesn’t love you enough to sacrifice anything for your vision to be successful, he might even be intimidated by your success. Many women settle for less because of the man they are married to and it can also be the other way too. Whoever you choose to say “Yes” to on the altar can alter your life for the better or worse.
Women, when you are in your teens there are so many men chasing you. At that stage in life, you are very much in demand and you might feel like you can get any man you want. You don’t even have to dress up or make any effort to get the attention of a man. You have to be smart and very careful of the man you choose at this ripe season of your life. You also need to remember that this doesn’t last long.
Marriage is a matter of giving and receiving. Marriage is an institution you never graduate from. In marriage, you will never fully understand each other because both of you keep changing as a person and you have to adjust to the changes. Imagine you are with the wrong partner, you will have to endure with that person. If you marry a selfish or obsessive person you are stuck for a long time.
Changing your partner will not sort your problems unless you are with the wrong partner in the first place.
Always pray for your marriage because the devil hates marriage. This is why I am saying you cannot afford to choose a partner just because you want to impress people or you think you are running out of time. The wedding is for a day but marriage is for a lifetime. Ladies, marry a man that loves God more than he loves you. If he loves God and fears him, half of your problems are gone. You can always report him to God in prayers. Men, marry a woman who is prayerful and a lover of Jesus. Let her be a woman of wisdom who can cover herself and her family in prayers. Let her not be the one that exposes all family secrets and weaknesses to the world and with her own mouth shatter her marriage and her home.
Most men are not mature enough to look after themselves, so how can they look after a wife? Some women are still immature when it comes to respecting men and looking after their homes. There are women who cannot cook or even do basic house chores. Marriage is for mature people, not for babies. You may be so beautiful with long weave and perfect makeup, but if you are not humble and prayerful enough you may remain single for a long time.
Finally, no one is perfect, so don’t waste your life looking for a perfect man, after all, you too are not perfect. Stop asking your partner to change when you are not willing to change too.
The Red Alerts
When do you know something is going wrong in your marriage? 1. When you stop caring and appreciating each other. It’s important to understand that what you do not appreciate will depreciate. That’s a fact. 2. When you stop complimenting each other.
For instance when you stop noticing that your spouse has changed their hairstyle or haircut. This isn’t a good sign. It may seem small but this can grow into a major thing as it shows a lack of attention. 3. When there’s a lack of communication with your spouse and you just argue over everything. When there’s a lack of communication in a marriage, you find that you would rather spend time with your friends or be on social media than spend quality time with your spouse. 4. When you irritate each other. This is a case where you get irritated at the least things that your partner does. You don’t make each other laugh anymore. Everything to do with your partner feels like a chore. The thought of you seeing your spouse saddens your heart. You are not drawn to one another anymore. You find it difficult to forgive one another. 5. Another red alert is when you are bored with your spouse and lovemaking becomes boring. You deliberately withhold sex from each other. You feel like two strangers in the house. 6. Another red alert is when you find it difficult to submit to one another.
Submission and love go together in every marriage.
If three or more of these apply to you then you need to seriously take your relationship up to God in prayers and don’t give up on it. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side as it seems, so please do not let divorce be your first option. You were once in love and you must remember those time’s and seek help together.
Pray together and be open with each other. Every marriage goes through a tough season but it’s these season’s that make your relationship stronger.
Learn not to make permanent decisions based on temporary situations. I have heard so many stories of spouses’ leaving their partners because of money and the reality is that things change and often people are ashamed to go back.
Please note that I am not talking about men who are lazy and just want to take advantage of you. Before I could trust my husband with my money I knew that he was trustworthy and he was my husband and not my boyfriend. Be wise. Do not be blinded by love.