GOOD DAY, DOCTOR LOVE, I am Chidinma by name and I am 23 years old. Please, how will I know my boyfriend loves me? The thing is that I have a boyfriend but it appears he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t call me and yet he always says he loves me…
DEAR CHIDINMA, how are you doing? Clearly, from your message, I can tell that, though you’re 23 years of age, you are not that experienced yet when it comes to relationships and understanding the behavioural patterns of the opposite sex. And trust me, sometimes, even for adults, men can be a little too complicated to understand. It will be difficult for me to give you a definite answer to the question you’re asking. For one, you did not mention how long you guys have been dating, his age and how frequently you see each other. This will give me a clearer picture of your relationship and the direction it took before now. But I do not have any of this information. But based on the fact that you said he doesn’t call you, you probably do most of the calling, yes, it could be that the guy’s feelings for you have waned. Perhaps he no longer feels the way he used to feel about you or he is distracted by something he has chosen not to discuss with you. Or, it could also be that you guys have had sex and your man feels he has spent enough time with you and it’s time for him to move on. I will suggest, before you take any decision, speak with him first. Let him know how disturbed you are about his lack of care and affection for you. It could be that you are doing something he doesn’t approve of and he’s angry and doesn’t know how to bring up the issue with you. It could just be anything. So, please, take time to speak with him and let me hear what he says. Good luck.
HELLO DOCTOR LOVE, please I need you to help me out of this very difficult situation. I am a married woman. Am just 35 years of age. My husband is 40 years old. We have been married for about 10 years. In the last five out of those ten years, we were separated. We were not living together. He left me and our two kids in the house he built and went to stay with another woman. We didn’t have any serious issues, just normal marital issues between couples. I begged and pleaded, including members of his family and my family, but he refused to come back home. But all through the period, he was away, I must be honest, he was sending money for the upkeep and education of the children. And for two whole years, I was waiting for him. I was lonely. I was depressed. I felt worthless as a woman. It pained me deeply to know my man left me, a pretty and dutiful wife, for another woman. I felt ashamed of myself. But about two years and some months after he left me and the kids, I met a kind and loving gentleman. I didn’t even plan to go into any relationship but he was all over me. He would not let me rest. Then, I realized I was enjoying his phone calls cos he was always making me happy. Then, it got to a point I started looking forward to his calls. That was when I knew I had fallen in love with him. So, since then, we started our relationship and I have never regretted loving this guy and giving my body to him.
He has made me feel like a woman again. He makes me feel good about myself. Though he is not as financially strong as my husband, but he loves me and respects me and that’s all that matters to me. Now, the problem is that, three weeks ago, my husband suddenly appeared and said he is sorry for what he did and wants us to put the incident behind us and move on. He said the child he thought the lady had for him turned out to be another man’s child. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t send him back to wherever he came from, the house belongs to him. Family members too have come to plead on his behalf. In fact, many of them are saying I should count myself lucky he retraced his steps, that my kids are no longer from a broken home. To be honest, I am not excited about his return, I have learnt to cope without him all these years. My worry is about my lover, I have told him about the development and he says he’s not ready to let me go. He is ready to share me with my husband but I’m not sure I have the capability to keep two men, my husband and my lover, in my life at the same time. If my husband ever finds out, he will disgrace me before everyone in the family. Even society will support him and judge me instantly, not minding the fact that it was my husband who pushed me into the relationship in the first place. Now, what do I do about my lover? He loves me and does not want to let me go. I still love him too. My name is Linda and I’m reaching from Lagos.
MY DEAR LINDA, you have been through a whole lot. Yours is a very moving story. To have gone five years without your husband and for more than two and half of those years, you were not with any man, credit must be given to you. Not many young women in this day and age would display the sort of patience you have shown. Unfortunately, for you as a woman, society says it’s a man’s world. And it’s largely because the man is often economically stronger than the woman. I am certain that, if for instance, you could afford to put a roof over your head and that of your kids, feed them, clothe them and send them to good schools, you would’ve sent your hubby back to where he came from. And like you said, if your husband ever finds out you’re ‘cheating’ on him now that he’s back, he will not spare you. He will make you look like a bad person. I will not advise that you keep extramarital affairs now that your hubby is ready to make amends because it will be very messy and sad if your secret is out in the open. It will be difficult, I know, but you have to let your man go. And he has to let go of you as well. It may take a bit of time, it has to be gradual. Talk to him. Make him see the need why you both can’t continue with the way things were. Let him know you’re not cutting off the relationship immediately, it will be gradual, but, eventually, you both have to bring it all to an end. Good luck, dear, I wish you the best.
GOOD DAY, DOCTOR LOVE, how are you? Please, I need your help, sir. My name is Ejiro, I am 24 years old and a virgin. I have been dating my present boyfriend for about 6 months now. He says he wants to marry me and has been asking me for sex for a while now. I have told him repeatedly that I do not intend to have sex and break my virginity until after my wedding. But now, he’s saying he wants to be sure I’m a virgin before proposing to me and the only way he can confirm that is that having sex with me. I am confused, sir, what do you think I should do? I really love this guy and would love to be his wife.
TO BE HONEST, EJIRO, I don’t like the look of this. This doesn’t sound right to me at all. Why would a guy who’s serious about marrying you insist on having sex with you to confirm your virginity before marrying you? It does not look or sound right to me. To begin with, how sure are you that this guy really loves you? What have you seen? What has he done to convince you he’s being honest with you? Are you he will marry you even if you give him what he wants? Sincerely, I don’t think he’s been sincere with you. My advice is that you do not give him the sex he’s asking for. If he really and truly loves you, he will not be asking for sex before he can marry you. Tell him you’re not interested in the deal he’s offering you. If he wants to marry you, he should go ahead and do so if he genuinely loves you. Marriage should not be a bargain for sex. Quite frankly, this whole sex before marriage thing looks dubious to me. It would’ve been better if had simply said he can’t wait till after he gets married to you, that he wants to see what he’s ‘buying’ here and now. But to say he wants to be sure you’re a virgin just doesn’t cut it for me. Be careful with this guy, Ejiro, be very careful.