The Perfect Roadmap To A Good Marriage

• DUPE OGUNLESI Reveals Her 50 Yr Experience

There is no perfect roadmap to a good marriage, if there is, there will be no failed marriages.

It takes two to tango, as the saying goes and this is even more relevant in marriage. Both parties must be committed, plus a large dose of God’s grace.

When I talk about a good marriage-I mean a union where both parties are happy inside out, not one party bullied into submission or stifled

50 years and the companionship has made the years fly past. Marrying early means it feels as if we have always been partially glued to each other.

I shall tell you a few stories that solidified this union:

1. I grew up in a home where I went to bed at 7 pm with a novel and the bedside lamp, believing nighttime is for sleep. I married a guy who comes alive at night. We go to bed together, but he’ll wake up at about 12:30/1:00 am, have a bath, and get dressed, ready to go to a party or a club. I would look at him in utter amazement, thinking that staying awake half the night was his idea of fun! But yes, it really was his idea of fun, so I’ll just say have fun, rollover and continue my sleep. This normally is enough to cause a huge rift in any marriage, but there I am fast asleep, and my husband comes home, gives me a really tight hug, saying why have I been out all this time, when what I really want is here! Such obvious shows of affection make you feel cherished.

Lesson learnt: You don’t have to like the same things, but you must learn to accommodate the things that make your spouse happy, and provided it is not life-threatening, he must learn to love the whole you.

1. Then, when I was having Sobu, my sister insisted that UCH was a much better hospital than LUTH, more humane. I had to move to Ibadan six weeks before Sobu was due. I didn’t want to go-I had gotten used to having a back rub to help me sleep. For our safety (baby & 1). We moved to Ibadan but Lanre was determined I wouldn’t lose out on the back rubs. He followed an incredible regime-coming to Ibadan after work on Friday to leave for work in Lagos on Monday morning, leaving on Tuesday after work to sleep in Ibadan and go back to work on Wednesday morning only to leave Lagos on Thursday night to come and sleep in Ibadan and go to work on Friday morning from Ibadan and back again on Friday night and start the circle again. Sobu came 3 weeks late so he was on this schedule for 10 weeks before we moved back to Lagos. Incredulous!!! he skipped clubbing for three months.

Lesson learnt: The great sacrifices dig the foundation of the marriage deeper.

Generally:

1. Tit for Tat is a recipe for disaster. It breeds distrust and it becomes difficult to be at peace in your home. Render to no man evil for evil and in marriage, this is even more important.
2. Don’t make your spouse choose between you and his family. You must establish a one-to-one relationship with each member of his family, so this stranger Introduced by their son is no longer a stranger. Buying them gifts is not a solution; you must be honest and show your true self to build a proper relationship. You upset me; I shall explain why to you instead of a cover-up and then go home and complain to your husband, forcing him to take sides. Do you have another brother, etc, to give him?
3. There can be only one US in marriage. Each seeking the greater good, the better comfort of the other.
4. Apologize when you hurt your spouse. It was or wasn’t deliberate is not the point. A hurt is a hurt-apologize and mean it.
5. Why do you think the original marriage vows say: to have and to hold? Why is to have not sufficient? To hold implies touch which means the physical is part of what you signed to. The hugs, kisses, the hand holding, the intimacy are the glue that holds marriage together.
6. Most men hate to talk; they internalize emotions, whereas women like to talk to pour out their emotions. A middle ground must be created.

Woman, don’t talk until you have analyzed the root of the hurt and can explain without getting emotional. While you do not want a repeat performance when it is not an emotional outburst, the man is more likely to listen.

Man, you are wired differently from a woman, so what is not a big deal to you is a big deal for her. You need to listen when you are being educated.

7. Children are not a replacement for your spouse. They will grow and move on with their lives. Your relationship must be nurtured, not stifling, but allowing each other to breathe, no two people are identical, pooling ideas together, to make life more fun.

Finally, don’t be scared. Marriage, like the rose, is attractive – lovely fragrance, velvety feel of the petals, but the thorns are there.

It is possible to navigate the thorns and reveal the beauty.

Here we are, 50 years of reveling the beauty of the rose.