Mrs. Tola Ajayi, a Sex Therapist and Sexologist, Clinic Manager and wife of Dr Abayomi Ajayi the Managing Director of Nordica Fertility Centre, which has its headquarters in Lagos. In an exclusive interview with City People’s TESSY MOORE, this beautiful woman of substance reveals a lot about sex issues.
As a sex therapist, how often should couples have sex?
Numbers and times of sex depend on couples to decide. It is whatever works for them because I cannot say have sex 3 times a week or 4 times a week. Some couples who are my clients tell me they have sex almost every day when I ask how often do they have it. So, it is whatever works for them.
So, it is normal to have sex more than once every day?
Why not? It is very normal; it is whatever works for them. If 2 or 3 times a day works for you, it is normal even if once a week so long it works for you as a couple, it is normal. The most important thing is for you to enjoy it for you to be comfortable with it. But maybe because of work, the husband has travelled they may not be able to have sex as regularly as they should have is why I will not advice a couple to have 3 times or 4 times a week, definitely no. if 3 times a week is comfortable and do able as they say, then do it.So, it is not for me to say number times or day they should have sex. So far no one is saying I’m starved of sex but what they have both agreed on but enjoy it.
But why is it that most women hardly reach organism but fake or pretend about it?
Well, in terms of orgasm, women hardly reach organism because they are not prepared. But men even if you ask them to sleep with a tree, they will reach organism. Even by just looking at a woman and he tunes his mind to it and fantasizes, he will reach organism. But not so with women. Men are moved by what they see but women are wired in an emotional state. You need to be connected before you can get to that stage. But what do we see, most times that connection is not there.
If your husband and wife are fighting and they are not on talking terms for days, if they are on bed, the husband can roll over to her and have sex even without talking. But the woman will never enjoy it. The woman wants cuddling;she wants a peaceful atmosphere, where she is relaxed, that is where and when she can come. But if the relationship is okay and everything is going on smoothly and the woman is not reaching organism then we can look into it because some people have issues that need to be addressed.
There are stages of sexual activities do you have the desire to have sex because some people don’t have the desire for sex.
So do you have the desire, that’s one stage, are you aroused that’s another stage? Some people can have the desire for sex but can’t be aroused. Some can be aroused but they don’t get to organism. So, there’s a problem somewhere that you need to address. Some people will not enjoy sex even though she’s married because each time the man touches her she remembers the training. This then makes her to be rigid and not to enjoy sex but will only okay, just do it we are doing it just to have babies, we are not doing it to enjoy ourselves. So, you need to look into what the problem is and how to solve the problem, identify the problem and provide the solution to it.
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