- MARRIAGE Counsellor, Pastor BISI ADEWALE Reveals Solutions
There are many things that can destroy a marriage but 3 of them are “Principal Destroyers”. Emphatically, Peace evades any home they penetrate. The most dangerous thing about these killers is that couples don’t always see them as the root of their crisis. Instead, they blame them- selves, in-laws, the devil, or any other person but they never look inwards to spot these marriage destroyers. They are:
Anger is a bitter emotional feeling that comes upon one, when situations do not fit into our desire and expectations.
It is also a strong desire to harm, beat or criticise someone because they have done something unfair, unacceptable, cruel, offensive or they failed to meet our expectations.
Anger is one of the strongest weapons of the devil against the family. In fact, no marriage can break without the intrusion of Mr. Anger. A gentle, loving, caring, and humble husband can become wild, tough, difficult and dangerous in the heat of anger. A beautiful, fragile, loving and “sheepish” lady can become stubborn, wicked and wild when angry.
One of the reasons anger is difficult to handle is because people don’t see it as a defective behaviour but even boast about it, saying, “Don’t toy with my anger”. “When I am angry, I can destroy anybody”. No wonder the Bible warns “cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil” (Psalm 37:8).
Before any marriage can disintegrate, at least one person must have been angry. Many wars have been triggered off because of anger at many times has given birth to murder, arson and other kinds of atrocities. Therefore, if you must fight for your marriage, you must fight against anger.
Deacon Jude walked into his pastor’s office, his eyes filled with tears and blurted out, “Pastor, it is allover. This woman must go. I can’t take it any longer. I have been suffering in silence. Enough is enough. I am tired!”. The pastor was speechless because he had not noticed prior to this time that Deacon Jude’s marriage was heading for the rocks. They looked happy and fulfilled. Deacon Jude was the head of the Sunday school department while both of them were members of the marriage committee. “Pastor,
won’t you say something?” Deacon Jude yelled to rouse the pastor out of his thoughts. “Deacon”, Pastor said calmly, “tell me what is going on. What is happening? You never told me there was any problem”. With a frustrated sigh, Deacon Jude replied “Yes, pastor I never told you anything”. I never told you because I thought she would change. My wife is a loving and caring woman except when she is in a bad mood.
At boding point, she behaves like a rattle snake, most especially when she is angry and she can never be pacified except she breaks something. She has broken all the window blades, the breakable plates, the television screen, dress- ing mirrors and even the electronics. This morn-
ing, we had a misunderstanding and she became very angry. You would not believe it, but she stormed down to the garage and shattered the windscreen of the only car we have. Pastor that was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Given that there are no more breakable items at home for this woman to break when she gets angry again, I am very sure that my head would be next in line. However, before she does that, I want to release her. I want to let her go, I am tired”.
Can you imagine that? Can you see what anger can do? It has destroyed many marriages. Don’t allow anger to destroy your marriage.
FACTS ABOUT ANGER
– Anger is a choice. Stop saying someone triggered your anger. rather say. “I am not disciplined enough to control my anger”.
– Anger is a killer and a potent destroyer. *It can destroy your health, wealth, life and marriage. *Anger is the number one enemy of marriage. *It does not glorify God. *It rests in the heart of a fool. *It must be “put off’ (Colossians 3: 18). *Your life is in danger when you are angry. *It is one of the works of the flesh that Paul outlined in Galatians 5: 19-2l. *No marriage can break without the input of angry people. *Anger can be control or curtailed. *You need the spirit of meekness to conquer it.
WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY
There are two things you can do when you are angry.
(1) Foolish things. Shouting, slamming of doors, destruction of household properties, beating. assaulting, cursing, tussle, bitterness, vengeance, resentment, leaking of secret.s, separation of rooms, malice, avoidance, silence treatment, sexual denial, murder, depression, rejec- tion of food, argument, refusal to cook, refusal to provide house keeping allowance, d i v o r c e, stoppage of house duties, reporting to third party, breaking of communication, etc.
(2) Wise things. Positive thinking about one’s spouse, thoughts of reconciliation and patience. Make up your mind not to hurt or say anything that will hurt your partner. Continuation of one’s duties, open and positive communication, reconciliation, giving and asking for forgiveness, prayer for the offender, speaking in love and spirit of meekness, readiness to lose argument, seeking peace by all means, seeking counsel, etc.
There are some things you need to do before you get angry. You should deal with yourself and make tolerance your way of life. If you wait till you get angry before learning how to handle anger, you will disappoint yourself and destroy your home. One of the biggest mistakes people make about anger is that everybody has mas- tered how to get angry but only few people knows.how to deal with it. As a result, they allow anger to deal with them and their homes. It is therefore essential that you know the best way to handle anger if you want to master life. Here are a few tips I believe can help:
- Consider anger as a sin and stop bragging about it.
- Always remember that anger rests in the bosom of a fool. (Ecclesiastes 7:9)
- Make positive confessions like, “I will never ‘raise my voice in anger; I am in charge of my emotions” (50 times) in seven days.
- I will keep quiet (wisely) rather than speak in anger and look foolish” (say it 40 times).
- “During emergencies, I will swallow my saliva ten times when I am really angry before I speak so that I may apply common sense”.
- “No matter what happens, I will never speak to hurt my partner; my speech will be full of grace and seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).
- “I will allow the Holy Spirit to be in charge of my emotion (Repeat 30 times). (Galatians 5:22-26)
- “Spirit of meekness, envelope my spirit. Spirit of quietness take over my emotions. Spirit of Self- control, take over my mouth, hands and legs (Repeat 50 times).
- Use mind builder techniques. Memorise and quote the following scriptures many times until they become part of you. Ecclessiates 7:9 (20 times). “Proverbs 16:32 (40 times). Proverbs 19: 11 (20 times).
- Say this loudly. “I am free from anger; anger is dangerous.” “I am totally free from anger in Jesus name. I wash my mind, heart and soul with the blood of Jesus.” (40 times) Remember, this is a therapy. Do it constantly until it becomes part of you and you will start to feel the work of the Holy Spirit on your emotions.
CAUSES OF ANGER
The following are the common causes of anger in marriage:
(1) Unmet Expectations. To be frank with you, nobody born of a woman can really meet your expectations. If you are looking for fulfilment in human beings you will be utterly disappointed. Therefore re-evaluate your expectations. Are they reasonable? Are they attainable? Do not destroy your marriage because of unreasonable expectations.
(2) Negative Thinking. Learn to think positively about your spouse. Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life (Proverb. 4:23).
(3) Wrong Information. Treat all issues in the spirit of love. Never base your judgment on grapevine or suspicions but on the word of God and clarifications with your partner
(4) Third party. Never allow any sort of third party in your marriage. They have nothing good to offer.
(5) Pride/Ego. Deal with pride and ego because it engenders anger. Men should please be careful about their ego. It makes many of them to be the real “angry animal” at home.
(6) Unmet Sexual Demands. Wives should be wise to satisfy their husbands in bed. When you deny him sex, he may destroy your peace. Bewise
(7) Satanic Influence. When you discover you always get angry without provocations then be sure a strange spirit is working in you. I recom- mend you seek help and go for deliverance.
IMPLICATIONS OF ANGER ON MARRIAGE
The following are the effects of anger on families:
(1.) It leads to the obstruction of companionship, comradeship, friendship and intimacy.
(2.) It breeds bitterness, resentment, malice, and strife.
(3.) It hinders prayer and destroys prayer life.
(4.) It handicaps communication, destroys to getherness and annihilates oneness.
(5.) It leads to hatred.
(6.) It exposes the home to satanic attacks.
(7.) It is the first mile stone to the journey of divorce in marriage.
HOW TO OVERCOME ANGER
– Consider anger as sinful and refrain from it.
– Depend on God’s grace to help you overcome
– Whenever you are angry, say “Jesus is Lord” (20 times).
– Use AFS (Advance Forgiveness System). Forgive your spouse even before you are offended.
– Never pre-empt errors from your spouse; believe in him or her. – Share your challenges with somebody who can pray along with you
– Always meditate on the word of God.
– Rebuke any negative thought.
– Forgive as soon as you are offended. Destroy anything that will remind you of the offence.
– Never keep records of offences.
– Turn issues that would have annoyed you to jokes.
– Abstain from an angry man so that you don’t learn his ways.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE MARRIED TO A SPOUSE PRONE TO BOUTS OF ANGER
– Pray seriously for him or her.
– Please bear with your spouse while the Lord is working on him or her. Be patient.
– Pray together about it.
– Study the Bible together.
– Do not feel too big to say “I am sorry” to pacify him or her.
– Utter soft words to him or her (Proverbs 15: 1)
Let’s move on to the other marriage destroyers.