Nollywood actor and producer, Mercy Aigbe has been a headline-grabber in the news recently. And these days, it’s actually not because of her body of work. In fact, you will be forgiven if you claim to struggle to remember anything she’s put out in the past few years.

Oh Victims! Sorry, there was Victims, but erm… thinking about it now, I think we know why that film was made.

Anyways, much has been made – and rightly so – of the alleged domestic violence she suffered at the hands of her husband, the great Lanre Gentry who showed us how he didn’t know the difference between satire and non-fiction.

Now, Mercy Aigbe’s 14-year-old daughter, Michelle has found her way into the prying eyes of the media as well as the public. In the midst of me wondering why Aigbe in her infinite wisdom thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to shield her obviously young daughter from the eye of the storm, I got a call from her reps and this interview happened. Or didn’t. Anyway, just read.

ME: Hello Mercy!

MERCY: Hi Segun. My management said this interview should be conducted as soon as possible, that’s why we didn’t wait until my return from the UK.

ME: It’s fine! Anytime. How are you feeling now?

MERCY: Much better. Thanks.

ME: Your husband still denies hitting you. He even said the photos of you that were released were from a movie. You still say he did. Who should the world believe?

MERCY: Why should I lie about such a thing?

ME: Why should he lie about it either?

MERCY: I don’t know about Lanre. But he hit me often. You see, three years ago….

ME: Sorry, Mercy. You don’t have to do another recap. The interviews you granted are still out there for those who are curious. In fact, many people say they are already tired of you and your husband’s matter. So, the thing really is about your daughter, Michelle. And why she is in the public eye.

MERCY: She’s learning to be a celeb like me.

ME: Oh! What exactly does she do apart from ‘slay’ on Instagram?

MERCY: Well, she’s a model now.

ME: I see. No wonder. I watched her recent interview where she said she had a brand.

MERCY: Of course. She has a very big brand.

ME: Maybe Nigerians don’t recognise the brand as all they talk about on her IG page is your issue with your husband.

MERCY: You know Nigerians can be jealous. And they can talk rubbish too. That’s why I turn off comments on some of my posts. Nigerians can abuse! All they are saying, the ones talking nonsense is because they are jealous of me and my daughter. They are jealous we slay together.

ME: Hmmn…. But talking about that interview she granted, did no one tell her this was not a good time? At least even if the interviewer did not have sense…

MERCY: No oh! Let her grant interview if she wants o. The girl is a brand. Please, you media people should let her grant anything she wants.

ME: And you don’t think having to face the camera and the world to talk about how her father allegedly beat her mother is a good thing? Even at such young age?

MERCY: Do you know DJ Khaled?

ME: Yes, but what does that have to do with Michelle?

MERCY: His baby son is not yet one and he is one of the biggest celebs in the world.

ME: You mean to tell me he is the same size as his father? That’s obesity!

MERCY: Don’t you know what I’m talking about? He is a famous celebrity.

ME: Oh… that’s what you mean. My bad.

MERCY: So if the baby can be famous why not my daughter who is much older. She can grant any interview that she wants.

ME: Ah… I see. Sorry. I can see where she got ‘it’ from?

MERCY: What? Her shape?

ME: No. Her covfefe.

MERCY: Her what?

ME: Covfefe.

MERCY: Are you talking about what she was wearing in the interview?

ME: Erm…Never mind. So, do you think she did well in that interview?

MERCY: You won’t believe I have not watched it.

ME: You say?

MERCY: I haven’t watched it nah.

ME: Wawu! Ok. Finally. People say if it’s true that Lanre Gentry beat you for that long a time, it must have been jazz that he used. That maybe that’s why you stayed.

MERCY: I have said it before. I stayed because of my children. Nobody jazzed me oh.

ME: Do you see yourself ever going back?

MERCY: Gongola state ni!

ME: But do you wish to remarry?

MERCY: Of course! I hear Don Jazzy is not a woman beater.

If you think this conversation took place in any other place except the author’s head, don’t tell anybody but Arsene Wenger has just retired at Arsenal because he wants to contest for Senate in Nigeria.